As teens begin dating, they have a lot to learn about what makes a healthy relationship and what may be abuse. 

Parents play a critical role in shaping their teen’s dating relationships—both how they want to be treated, and how to treat others. Studies have shown that positive parenting can make teens less tolerant of relationships that are unhealthy or abusive. 

As a parent, you can help your teen by being supportive, listening, having open discussions about dating, and by modeling healthy relationships. In addition, it’s important to know the signs of abuse and how to intervene.

Having Conversations About Healthy Teen Relationships

One of the most effective ways to prevent and address dating abuse is through open and ongoing conversations with your teen. Talk about how a healthy relationship needs to have: 

• Respect: Mutual respect for each other’s boundaries, opinions, choices, and individuality.
• Communication: Open and honest dialogue about feelings and disagreements.
• Trust and Equality: Supporting each other’s personal growth and feeling secure about their partner’s interactions with others. 

To start a conversation with your teen about healthy relationships and dating abuse, consider asking these questions:

• “What do you look for in a boyfriend or girlfriend?” Discuss the importance of respect and support for personal goals and interests.
• “How does your boyfriend/girlfriend support your hobbies and friendships?” Emphasize that a partner should encourage and support their interests and not pressure them to abandon their passions.
• “Who pays for gas, food, gifts, and activities in your relationship?” Talk about the importance of fair and balanced treatment of finances in a relationship. 
• “What does it look like when you argue?” Share how partners should discuss disagreements and work through differences without intimidation, fear, or violence.
  

Recognizing Teen Dating Abuse

Teen dating abuse is almost always about exerting power and control, oftentimes with the abuser using intimidation or isolation. 

It can be difficult to recognize because abuse isn’t always physical and visible. Knowing and identifying these signs early can help prevent further harm:

• Digital Abuse: The abuser uses technology to control their dating partner and invade their privacy. This includes behaviors like the abuser checking your teen’s phone without permission, demanding passwords, or using apps to track their location.
• Emotional Abuse: This is one of the most common types of abuse. Abusers may intimidate, belittle, or isolate their partner. It can involve gaslighting, where an abuser makes the victim doubt their own perceptions, undermine their self-esteem, or projecting their own faults onto the victim.
• Financial Abuse: This occurs when one partner exerts control over financial resources. In teens, it might look like one partner always expecting the other to pay for outings or consistently borrowing money without repayment. It also can have long-term effects on a teen’s education or career path if the abuser pressures them into making choices in school work, activities, college, or jobs. 
• Physical Abuse: Physical abuse involves any form of violence, such as hitting or pushing. If you notice unexplained injuries or observe aggressive behavior during arguments, these could be signs of physical abuse.
• Sexual Abuse: This includes coercion into sexual activities, ignoring consent, or sabotaging contraception. Sexual abuse is damaging and can have long-term effects on a teen’s physical and emotional health.

Warning Signs of an Abusive Teen Relationship

As a parent, being alert to changes in your teen’s behavior can help you identify potential abuse:

• Behavioral Changes: Watch for excessive communication from their partner, such as constant texting or calling. Also watch for drastic changes in their social life or isolation from friends and family.
• Emotional Indicators: Look for signs of low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression. If your teen has mood swings or seems unusually withdrawn, these could be signs of emotional abuse.
• Physical Symptoms: Be aware of any unexplained bruises or injuries. Changes in your teen’s appearance or personal grooming habits can also be a red flag.

What to Do if You Suspect Your Teen is in an Abusive Relationship 

If you observe warning signs, approach the situation with care. Before starting a conversation, be mindful of being non-judgmental and supportive. Your goal should be to listen and validate their feelings, not to criticize or accuse your teen. 

• Non-Judgmental Conversations: Address changes in behavior sensitively. For example, if your teen is missing classes or isolating themselves, ask, “I’ve noticed you haven’t been hanging out with your friends much. Is everything okay?”
• Open-Ended Questions: Use open-ended questions and express curiosity rather than judgment. For example, if you notice a change in your teen’s behavior, you might say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been a bit more withdrawn lately. Is everything okay?”
• Validating Experiences: Acknowledge their feelings and experiences without judgment. Say things like, “What you’re describing sounds like unhealthy behavior. It’s important to talk about how this makes you feel.”
• Next Steps: Discuss safety measures and support options together. Involve them in deciding the next steps, such as seeking professional help or talking to a counselor.

Supporting Teens Who May Cause Harm

If you discover that your teen might be causing harm to someone else, address the issue with empathy and guidance without validating their behaviors:

• Identifying Harmful Behaviors: Recognize and discuss controlling or abusive actions, such as tracking a partner’s location or making derogatory comments.
• Healthy Alternatives: Encourage alternative coping mechanisms and healthy behaviors. For instance, suggest practices like deep breathing or talking to a trusted friend or therapist when feeling overwhelmed.
• Building Awareness: Educate your teen about respectful and equitable relationship behaviors. Provide resources and support for developing healthier relationship skills.

Resources for Parents and Teens

Make sure your teen knows that if they need help and don’t want to talk to you, a hotline is available. They can call (866) 331-9474 or text “loveis” to 22522. They also can visit the Love Is Respect website for solutions and ideas on how to handle an abusive relationship. 

Contact Pediatrics West

If you suspect your child is in an abusive relationship, you can contact your provider at Pediatric West for help or a referral to a mental health therapist. Contact us at (720) 284-3700.